I had meeting wiv producer innnit!

I thought I'd have grate news for u all today, i was keepinh it secret becauis i wanted to suprize you and that. basiclay i bin chattin to this TV producer on the intrenet for a few weeks right, he was on this chat room i go to sometimes when im bored and that. so i sez to him 'hello, im like a comdy writer and that and i got a scrip and shit' and he sez like 'oh that is grate, i luv scrips, can i read it or sumink?' and im like 'of course you can farkin read it and then yuo can buy it an all!' so he sez 'lets meet up and i'll read your script and shit' and I'm all 'yeah, man! when you wanna meet?' and he's like 'how about tuesday morning by the bus shelter outside the fire station on shaftesbury avenue?' and i'm like 'sweet!' so the meeting is fixed up and shit.

now, at this point i shud tell you that i don't use my real name or my real age in the chat room, i call myself 'shanice' and i pretend to be 13. it's not cos i'm a perv, its cos i don't want the people on the chatroom judging me on my real name and age cos i've got a sort of crap name and i'm quite old. this Tv producer said he was 21 and 'lush' whatever that means, so i didn't want to tell him how old i was in case he thought i was past it and that.

anyways, this morning im waiting at the bus shelter by the fire staiton on shaftesbury avnue and im waiting and waiting and waiting and there's only me and this dirty old tramp geezer sitting there and im waiting and waiting and waiting and i run out of vodka and so i ask the tramp if i can have a go on his 'white lightning' and he says 'yeah but not much, i'm saving it for shanice' and i'm like 'shanice?' and hes like 'yeah, shes my girlfriedn, im meeting her here innit' and i'm like 'are yuo a Tv producer?' and he farkin winks at me and says'i'll be whatever you want me to be, love' and I'm like 'you farkin perv!' and he's like 'are you shanice?' and I'm like 'not anymore I'm not!' and he's like 'farkin hell' and im like 'farkin hell'!!!!

anywayy, we had a chat and that, turns out he's quite a nice geezer but he can't get my scrip produced on telly and that so i came home.

bye,

Farkin Stag nite innit!?

dont even farkin ask wehere i bin! I bin in farkin monchengladbach! farkin germany innit! farkin five farkin days! supposed to be a stag night in margate for my mate Nobby 'Not the face!' harris and it started well, there was fourty eight of us and we was well lashed. We was on the coach right, and the boooze was flowing and Mickey 'Lampshade' had some marching powder and it was all lookin sweet and we got to margat and I'd only shat myself once which is ussually a goOd sign for a top night out.

so we go in this bar 'The sweaty nipple' on the seafront and its wall to wall fanny and i'm well chuffed. I deciided to give the chat to this sort with massive udders standing by the bar, she looked like she loved it so I thought I was well in.

next thing I remember, i'm waking up in a park in farkin monchengladbach! its in germany! I had a farkin horrible wound on me stumak, which at first I thought mite be an animal bite, maybe id been eaten by a wolf while I was out cold but I bin doctors today and he says its an ammateur surgical scarr! Ive had a kidney nicked innit!

anyway, Im getting ahed of myself, i was in this farkin park, bollok naked and I don't speak germ, people keep saying 'auf wiedersehen pet' or some shit like that, I'm shouting back 'I don't speak germ! speak english you germann karnts!' but no facker listens!

five farkin days hiding in a bush trying to work out how I was gonna get home. in the end, the german coppers sorted it out, arrested me for indesent exposur and deported me. ha! just what I wanted, Fritz! free ride home! just like the war innit, the plucky british tommy, with no equipment or clothes, facing the might of the germ army and emergin victorious. except instead of ridding the world of the nazis, I just got a free ride on a cross channel ferry. still a win though, innit!

No news on my comdy career, been busy in monchengladback but Im home now so will probabaly write a hilarius sitcom about my adventures innit! LOL! bye

BLAMMO! I'm back! Guess where I bin all day? That#s right shipmates, I bin in the pb! This is a pictur of my local, The KIngs Head, the only pub in the North london area that allows me to park my horse and cart which I won in a fair fight with a romany chap back in '05. His name is Wayne! He likes apples and biting people under five foot tall.

so, im in the boozer and i was waiting for the cubeicle in the bog to empty, there was a commotion in there, I didn#t want to get involved. then this geeezer says 'hello mate' and I turn round and its only that farkin bloke who does the show with the people. whats it. family fortunes, vernon somink. anyway, he's not talking to me hes talking to some bloke with la-de-da hair and I think #YES! YES! GET IN THER! so i run out to wayne and get my sitcom scripp out of my saddlebag and a run back and i say 'oi ponce, hows about this then?# and this vernon goes 'is that a scrip?' and I'm like 'YES!' and he#s like 'oh sorry, im busy' and thAts when I hit him with the chair.

so i have to leeve cos apparantley hitting people with chairs is not good now the pubs gone all gentrifyed and serves olives not crisps so I got back on the cart and came home.

and i never even got to use the cubeicle! LOL!

I hope familly fotunes gets axed and vernon falls down a hole.

bye.

yo, that was my mate Barry 'bent-eyes' Murkins at teh door. Top bloke, wanted to borrow my hammer. no questions.

anyway, so as I sed I'm a comedy writr so its only a matter of time befor the BBC and whatnot get on the blower and I'm quids in. In the menatime, I#ll be using this blog to 'display my whares' as it were and show you lucky punters the quality of my material. First taste of the blazin' biro...a sketch I sent to the BBC show scallywagga. have you seen it? top notch so I knew I'd need to bring my A-game to the sketch, all biro's blazin' innit! here it is...

INT. DAY. ABOUT 2 oclock-ish. LOUNGE OF A BLOKE'S HOUSE.

there is a sofa and a chair and a little table and some books and a cat and a carpet and curtains and a stain on the wall that is probably curry or effluent. LEN sits on CHAIR. ENTER MICK.

LEN: Hello Mick

MICK: hello len, how's the leg?

LEN: still hurts a bit.

MICK: Oh. right. Anyway, would you like to buy a hat?

LEN: what sort of hat?

MICK: one of the ones that goes on your head.


(NOTE: that is a brilliantt hat gag, i should probably have stopped there but I had a feeling there was even funnier stuff to come out of me brain! LOL!)

LEN: What colour is it?

MICK: Black.

LEN: I don't like black hats.

MICK: what, are you a hat racist or somink?

(NOTE: check that out, that's me playing with the taboo of racism. brilliant, only the best can get away with that)

LEN: No, I just don't like black hats, I like brighter colors like red. Or yellow.

MICK: I could get you some red gloves.

LEN: Go on then.

MICK: alright, see you later.


LEN: yeah, bye.

EXIT MICK. FADE OUT. THE END.


fantastic, see how I flout the convenshions of sketches by not finishing on a punchline. that takes courage and brains, both of witch I have in abundence so no problemo there.

remember i already sent this to bbc and i got copyright so if I see this sketch turning up anywhre else, with your name on it, there'll be trouble.

see you later, I'm going for a tommy.

Yes Yes YES YES! Yes! I got a blog. This is it. I'll be telling you all about my budding career as a comdy writer and also maybe share some intamate secrets and everyday occurences and that. So, fasten your seatblets folks! It's gonna b a bumpy ride! Oh, yeah my name, blazin' biro, that's to protect my anonimty and also it refers to my writing style, I use a bic blue. Don't like typiong so prefer writing with a pen. Got to go, theres someone at door. Laters, peeps!