dont even farkin ask wehere i bin! I bin in farkin monchengladbach! farkin germany innit! farkin five farkin days! supposed to be a stag night in margate for my mate Nobby 'Not the face!' harris and it started well, there was fourty eight of us and we was well lashed. We was on the coach right, and the boooze was flowing and Mickey 'Lampshade' had some marching powder and it was all lookin sweet and we got to margat and I'd only shat myself once which is ussually a goOd sign for a top night out.
so we go in this bar 'The sweaty nipple' on the seafront and its wall to wall fanny and i'm well chuffed. I deciided to give the chat to this sort with massive udders standing by the bar, she looked like she loved it so I thought I was well in.
next thing I remember, i'm waking up in a park in farkin monchengladbach! its in germany! I had a farkin horrible wound on me stumak, which at first I thought mite be an animal bite, maybe id been eaten by a wolf while I was out cold but I bin doctors today and he says its an ammateur surgical scarr! Ive had a kidney nicked innit!
anyway, Im getting ahed of myself, i was in this farkin park, bollok naked and I don't speak germ, people keep saying 'auf wiedersehen pet' or some shit like that, I'm shouting back 'I don't speak germ! speak english you germann karnts!' but no facker listens!
five farkin days hiding in a bush trying to work out how I was gonna get home. in the end, the german coppers sorted it out, arrested me for indesent exposur and deported me. ha! just what I wanted, Fritz! free ride home! just like the war innit, the plucky british tommy, with no equipment or clothes, facing the might of the germ army and emergin victorious. except instead of ridding the world of the nazis, I just got a free ride on a cross channel ferry. still a win though, innit!
No news on my comdy career, been busy in monchengladback but Im home now so will probabaly write a hilarius sitcom about my adventures innit! LOL! bye
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